Tribal Wives of the Blogosphere

Sometimes I enjoy being a shit disturber; I really, really do.

A couple weeks back, Vix wrote a post about this show called Tribal Wives (never heard of it myself). Gist of it is an urban woman is taken to live in another more hand-to-mouth culture. She learns lessons and grows and learns to appreciate what she ....snooze.

So, Vix turned it around and made a tongue-in-cheek Tribal Wives rules of survival for Britain.

Heather read it and decided to make it a meme. She wrote the Tribal Wives in Rural Finland post and tagged myself, Very Bored in Catalunya, Gooner Jamie, and Cate. Missy M and London City Mum got in on the action too.

They all did awesome funny posts. I definitely recommend you read them. Because after what I post you're probably not going to want to read me any more. You see, I'm perfectly aware that most mommy blog readers are mommy bloggers themselves. Not that I really like being called a mommy blogger, but with "Readily A Parent" as my title, hey, might as well go for it.

Sometimes my friends who don't write and/or read blogs ask what exactly a Mommy Blogger is. So this post is for them. If you yourself are a Mommy Blogger and easily offended, well, just pretend you didn't see this. And for God's sake don't unsubscribe from my blog. I actually care about my stats. I'll send you a big jar of Nutella as an apology gift.

In order to survive as a Mommy Blogger you must:

1. Have Kids
But not just any kids. You must have the most magically wonderful, photogenic, perfect angels who sit and do crafts and can be homeschooled with ease. Your children will all have the names starting with the same letter or look so insanely alike that one wonders if you've learned how to clone in your kitchen.
OR You should have two or three kids that are general nuisances, annoying and brat like and make your life a living hell so you can complain about it all the time on your blog, like I did here.
BONUS POINTS: If your child has special needs or is ill and/or you concieved after infertility. Super bonus points if you have all of the above.

2. Have a Brand
This is almost more important than having kids. After all, what's the point of blogging if no one's going to recognise you? I think we all know the dirty D word for the most recognised mommy blog brand. But, come on, there's more. Ways to create your brand recognition include: have a cutesy logo like Heather, or run a carnival like Tara, or call yourself something outrageous like a Bad Mother or Redneck Mommy (this seems a predominantly Canadian thing to do)

And the reason why you must have a brand? Because you must

3. Be Willing to Write About Idiotic "Mom-Related" Crap.
There's the Nutella nutties, or the chocolate weetabix whoring,  or formula sell-outs. Then there's all the crap sponsored posts about makeup and insurance and all kinds of other things that we moms are supposed to be interested in.

And if you do write about crap, you must

4. Be Willing to Work For Free
Or for a free sample or something to give-away. Yup, because name-dropping about your connection to Huggies will build your blog for you. Everyone knows Mommy Bloggers are in it for the sense of community and the money they might make is secondary. Surely none of us sat down and thought "I might make a little money if I start blogging."

You must also:

5. Hardly Ever Mention the Child's Father
They don't exist and all this hard work is done by us, the mommies. The one exception to this is the Daddy bloggers who are obviously married to emasculating bitches that make them do everything around the house and take care of the kids because they happen to make the greater salary. Of course, some Dads are in the military which therfore builds your blog credentials because your family is sacrificing for its country. If you do mention the child's father, he is either the DWLM (Dickwad who left me) or he's DH (I've no idea: dreary hole-licker?).

6. Know Twitter, Facebook, Digg, Reddit ....
It's not enough to write your blog, you must also write posts to every social media site known to man while simultaneously commenting on 100 other posts each day so that you gain traffic back to your blog. If you begin to feel like a flag-lady rather than a writer, that's fine. Just hold that "slow" sign high, lady.

7. But Not Care About Your Blog Stats
It's best if you pretend you don't even know what they are when someone asks (though if you're proud of them, make sure you have sitemeter installed so curious people can look it up). You should laugh about it when you make it higher on technorati or your Twitter Influence score goes up. Pretend innocence and lack of knowledge whenever it seems you might be becoming popular and blame it on your natural abilities - you know, like in high school. If your stats are low then blame it on the cabals and cliques, just like it was the popular girl's fault that you couldn't get a date in junior high. Overall, though, never, ever admit that you might be blogging to be popular or make money. You're only doing it because you love writing and the sense of community it gives you. Otherwise you're not a mom, you're a brand. And we wouldn't want that.

8. Be Juicy
There's only so far post-natal depression, a disabled child, or a penchant for talking about your sex life will get you. You must be prepared to engage in some juicy gossip, especially about other bloggers or if you're really lucky, a celebrity. Be prepared to know about all the relationships and infighting in the entire mommy blogosphere and have an opinion on it all. (Notice I didn't link to anyone on this one, that's because I'm actually not into gossiping about others).

9. Stir Up Controversy To Be A Hero
Like if a waitress at a zoo asked you to stop breastfeeding, the only response it obviously to tweet, blog, and facebook it saying you can't believe it happened to you - before giving the offending company a chance to respond. Or stir up a hashtag drama over a silly ad that moms can get easily worked up about a la Motrin Moms.

10. Never, Ever Offend the Other Mommy's
You might find yourself at the bottom of a playground pile-up.

Ooops. Please, don't jam your elbow into me too hard; my cesearean scar is still sore and my breasts are tender from nursing.

I'm such a mom. Sigh. Guess that means I'm a mommy blogger too.

photo credit: Elizabeth/Table4Five via photopin cc